Episode 3 – Blueberries

Welcome to Marriage Mixed with Spencer and Shirley.

Marriage Mixed is a resource that opens the door on interracial marriage.

We share our real experiences from our interracial marriage, and let me tell you, it has not been easy, but it is rewarding.

We talk about our differences, what has worked for us, and what is still difficult.

We also share our views on important topics like food, from a white guy's perspective, and from a Haitian girl's perspective.

What is our goal?

Our goal is to reach people like you, who may be struggling in an interracial marriage, and through the sharing of our own story, prove to you that you are not alone.

The battle for your marriage is real, and thankfully, you have reinforcements.

Our hope is that by using this resource, you will grow in love and grace for your spouse, and ultimately find hope, help, and healing for your marriage.

Sometimes, it will be tense, and other times, you will be laughing with us as we discover new things about each other.

In this series, Into the Mix, we wanted to give you the opportunity to get to know us better.

Chances are, you'll find yourself relating to our experience so far.

Thanks for joining us.

Well, welcome to Marriage Mixed with Spencer and Sharlee.

What do you want to ask this?

How are you doing, honey?

Take your tea out.

Honey Bunches of Oats.

You promised me.

Honey Bunches of Blueberries.

Just like that, you're gonna give away the episode.

I promised you what?

I was gonna make a joke that you promised not to call me Honey Bunches of Oats in public.

I don't remember that.

It's a joke.

How is that funny?

It's funny, because you wouldn't, as if you called me that in private, it's like a joke, like, of course you don't call me Honey Bunches of Oats.

Does that make sense?

It does not.

Okay.

All right.

So, tonight we found ourselves discussing blueberries, and we weren't discussing blueberries.

Yeah, that's true.

We weren't discussing it.

I sat down to eat some blueberries with Shirley on the couch.

Not with me, next to me.

Yes.

He was eating them by himself.

Yes.

And this is important, because it literally just happened, and we thought about sharing it, because we're trying to believe that all things happen for a reason, and we have this ministry, and that this will be a blessing to someone out there.

Spencer thought about sharing it.

And you agreed to it.

I never said yes.

Should we be recording this episode?

I never said, like, let's do it, honey.

Do you want to do this, honey?

Honey, continue.

Just continue.

I don't want to do it if you don't agree to it.

Honey, continue.

We'll see what happens.

Okay.

Um, I can't remember where I was.

You sat down to eat some blueberries.

You offered me some.

Yep.

And I, I offered Shirley some blueberries.

And she jokingly refused the blueberries.

But still wanted them at the same time.

Yes, which I did not fully understand.

And she continued to ask for the blueberries.

And I was kind of miffed and didn't want to offer them anymore.

So I just ate them.

I ate them all.

And she continued playfully, what I thought was playfully, begging for them.

And then afterwards, it was apparent that it was not playful, because she looked really hurt.

And then we talked about it, and things got heated for a minute.

And I went out to take a walk, and came back and realized that this might be a podcast opportunity.

Um, and I wanted to do stuff that I thought about while I was walking that I wanted to share.

But I really wanna, before going into any of that, I'd love to just hear what you were feeling when that happened in more detail.

It's like the first time that I offered you the blueberries, and you refused.

Maybe you could share what you were feeling or thinking.

I mean, I was refusing, but I also wanted them.

Was it, like, a joke?

Yeah, I was, like, playing around with you, but I also wanted them.

Okay.

And, like, I was asking you for them, and you didn't wanna give, I don't know.

There was, like, obviously, miscommunication.

But, like, near the end, I was, like, saying, it's not a good way to start a night, because you kept saying you wanted to hang out with me, and then, like, you sat next to me to eat blueberries, and you offered me some, but you were basically about to finish them and never actually gave it to me.

So, it's like, I didn't even, I wasn't even thinking about blueberries at all.

Like, you offered them to me, and, like, now I'm, like, wanting some, and now I'm not even gonna get any.

So, like, I didn't ask for them, like, you offered them.

So, when did, when did the joking part of it stop for you?

Like, I was, like, joking around still, like, but I actually wanted some, and I was, like, actually asking, like, you for some.

And, like, you were trying to, like, feed it to me, and if you actually, like, fed it to me, I would have eaten it.

So the second time, when it seemed like you were still messing around, and I was offering it to you, from my perspective, it seemed like you were still messing around, but it sounds like you weren't.

The whole time, like I wanted them.

But like the first time you refused, and then the second time you were doing something else silly, when I tried to give it to you, I just, I didn't, like, I didn't understand.

I didn't want to keep trying.

You were upset.

You're like, you said, like, I lost my chance or something, and I don't feel like that's, like, the word, the right terminology to use when you're speaking to me.

Like, I think you can say, like, that you feel hurt or something, or, like, you feel like you're being teased or whatever.

But telling me I lost my chance is, like, doesn't feel like...

That's how you speak to your spouse.

So, it hurt when I said that?

Right?

I don't know if I, like, interpreted it as hurt or felt hurt, or just...

I don't know.

It just doesn't feel like it's right to talk to me like that.

I don't know if I have, like...

If I can say I feel hurt, I guess.

Or offended or something, because, like, what?

Like, I just don't feel like you should talk to, say these those words when you're talking to me.

How would...

If you could imagine me expressing it better, what would that have looked like?

Like I already said, like, you can say that you feel, like, teased or whatever, or you feel hurt, or however you were feeling.

Instead of saying, I lost my chance.

Hmm.

I see what you're saying.

Because the...

I guess the way that that statement is, it kind of, like, protects me, and it keeps me in power, kind of, instead of, like, being vulnerable and sharing what I'm feeling.

It kind of, like, focuses on you.

I'm realizing this as we talk about it.

Yeah.

I'm sorry that I didn't express that better.

Thanks.

What is it that you wanted to share?

Um, I think for me, I've been thinking a lot, like, in the type of work I'm doing now in outside sales, and thinking about my own story.

Basically, there's been a theme in my life where I'm trying to get other people's attention, because I don't think that anybody is really interested in Spencer.

And I can't survive without people being interested, so it's my job to make them interested and initiate activities or trying to get their attention.

Things like that.

So my life has looked like a whole lot of initiating with very little reciprocation in the places that mattered most.

So even something as small as handing you a spoonful of blueberries and getting rejected playfully doesn't feel playful to me.

It triggers that thread going all the way back to me getting rejected or feeling rejected or not wanted, or people not being interested in me, or the things that I have.

And I just shut down super fast, and don't even want to participate anymore because it hurts so much.

And it's not because necessarily you not wanting to eat my spoonful of blueberries is like the most hurtful thing in the world.

It's because the other stuff was the most hurtful thing in the world.

And it's all kind of connected, I guess, going that far back.

I hear you that you've fell hurt from your history of lack of interest, people feeling like people are not interested in you.

Interested in, yeah.

And that you feel like you're initiating a lot.

I think that I could have probably stopped playing with you and accepted the blueberries.

Does that take great inner strength to say?

That is not the sort of question one asks, and the other says something like that.

I mean, I guess you can ask, but...

Thank you, Shirley.

I'm sorry.

This is the way you said it, but I don't want to give you a hard time when you're saying something like that.

And I appreciate you saying it.

I think that I could have worded a lot of things different, like not saying you lost your chance.

There was something else that I said to you that wasn't productive.

So, Spencer, tell me why you like blueberries.

Blueberries make the moods move.

Spencer, let's try this again.

Keep this non-GI rated.

GI?

Yes.

So the soldiers can listen to it, because I'm pretty sure they'd listen to the same.

GI, gastrointestinal.

Oh.

Don't tell me about it.

Why do you like blueberries, honey?

Wait, if it was GI rated, wouldn't that mean?

Non-GI rated.

Okay.

They're delicious.

That's your favorite part about them.

No, actually, I really like how they taste.

They're like mildly sweet.

They're good.

They change the color of your teeth.

You know what I saw today?

I saw a septic tank or whatever, from Brownies, and it was just like disgusting.

From Brownies?

I had a company, its name is Brownies.

You remember when you told me about them?

Yeah.

They're a good company.

What do you mean you saw it from Brownies?

Like, I saw a tank truck in front of me.

Not in front of me, but across in front of me in the lane of whatever.

And it said Brownies, and it was just disgusting, because it was like, why would you name it Brownies?

I don't want to think about that when I'm eating Brownies.

But I don't know if we should put this on, because we want to hear about this stuff.

Anyway, let's try again.

Spencer, why do you love blueberries?

I don't know what to say.

Spencer likes blueberries because they are full of antioxidants, antioxidants attached to bad stuff in your body, and you know, neutralize them or something like that.

Sounds like the reason you like them.

No, you like, well, you talk about broccoli has a lot of antioxidants, but blueberries have a lot of antioxidants.

Well, you talk about, you spoke about how broccoli has a lot of antioxidants and you need them because of the field that you're in.

Oh yeah.

But blueberries actually have a lot of antioxidants.

They're good for you.

They're like, I don't know if they're considered a superfood.

Particularly, I knew that's printed like blueberries, and I came across wild blueberries, and they're even better for you than regular blueberries.

And that's what we eat.

They're more expensive.

But they're grown wildly.

They have even more fiber than regular blueberries because they have more skin-to-pulp ratio than regular blueberries.

Well, do you want to end off?

Yeah, we can.

Do you have anything else to say?

The only thing I was going to say is that our next episode will be covering the things we've learned in marriage over the last four years, and particularly our unique interracial marriage.

But it will apply to all marriage, but particularly to those of you who are interracially married, I would say.

How so?

Like, what's the particular?

Um, I think that communication, I mean, is huge in any marriage, but for us, we have additional hurdles to cross, because we're a male, female.

To cross, or to jump over?

All right, track and field.

Major.

Major, or former athlete.

All right, former athlete.

Yes.

Put some respect on my name.

That's a black saying.

Have you heard of it?

Yes.

Oh, okay.

I'm looking forward to that.

You don't seem like you look forward to it.

I am looking forward to it.

Okay.

Peace.

Go ahead and eat some blueberries, y'all.

Well, thank you for joining us for this segment.

This episode of Marriage Mixed.